There are questions that breathe life into the people on your team and your conversations. These questions bring out the best in them and have the potential to make the conversation interesting and even deeply meaningful. These are the kinds of conversations that lead to innovative solutions and to the growth of that team member.
Then there are questions that suck the meaningfulness right out of the air. They leave the other person feeling flat and listless. I wrote to you last time about the fact that asking powerful questions will undoubtedly lift your leadership to another level. And I have experienced that personally and professionally. But there are land mines out there of which you need to be aware. There are traps that you can easily step into that can actually cause damage in your relationships.
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The problem is that the ineffective questions come so naturally. We have all learned a series of bad habits. So, here are the questions to avoid…
QUESTION TO AVOID
1. Leading questions. This blows the whole deal. By asking powerful questions you are attempting to draw new insights and perspectives. If you ask leading questions, you are trying to take them somewhere you want them to go – a place you have already defined. That is normally not helpful, that is if you want that person to grow and develop.
My kids hate it when I ask these types of questions. They can tell that I already know the answer I want to hear and it is frustrating and deflating. It doesn’t invite them deep into the conversation, but instead drives them away. I am pretty sure they would love to burst out with, “Just tell me what you want me to say. That would make this conversation so much easier.”
2. Embedded solutions. These are advice disguised as a question. For example, “Have you thought about talking to someone in R&D about it?” This is not really a question. You are telling them you think they should do something, but forming it as a question.
I used to be a part of a CEO membership organization where members gathered monthly to talk about and process each other’s business issues. Maybe you have been a part of a group like that. In our group we had an important rule. When we were processing a fellow member’s issue we always started with questions. No one was allowed to give suggestions or solutions during that part of the process – only questions. This helped us to make sure we fully understood the issue before we started throwing out answers.
If someone threw out an embedded solution we were responsible for calling them out. Our facilitator supplied us with stuffed animals to throw at one another to help enforce that rule. Whenever somebody gave an embedded solution, the stuffed animals went flying. It was fun and reinforced the point.
3. Closed-ended questions. These are questions that can typically be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No.” These questions kill the flow of a great conversation. They are good questions to use toward the end of a conversation when you are trying to elicit final answers or commitments, but they are extremely ineffective at the beginning or in the middle.
A great conversation is like a dance. Don’t laugh. I’m serious. There is a comfortable flow that develops when powerful questions are being asked and the person is allowed to think, explore and discover. Asking a closed-ended question is like stepping on your partner’s foot. It kills the flow.
4. “Why” questions. When we ask why, it has a tendency to put the other person on the defensive. It is a subtle thing, but very real. I can often observe the visceral reaction in a person when I or someone else asks, “Why?” especially when the tone is not welcoming.
Conversations that build the team member and your leadership are open and honest. “Why” questions shift the tone of the discussion to one where the team member feels unsafe and that they need to prove something or escape. I’m not saying you can never ask why, but use it with caution and make sure your tone does not communicate judgment.
Question: Which type of damaging question will be the hardest habit for you to break? Share your answer in the Comment section.
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